The dark side of parenting

There is something out there, in mothering, that nobody tells you about.  It doesn't matter what age your kids are, it can attack at any time and will for sure return in your days of being a parent...which is forever.  It reaches out, steals your day and ruins everything.  It doesn't matter where you are in your life, it will return and make you question everything you decide.  Today was that day.
Its a dark corner of depression that I believe most parents are struck with.  Now, I'm not talking about post partum depression or baby blues, empty nest, or any of those long term titles they give to depression.  This is the part of parenting that strikes you when you have are at your wits end with changing laundry, sweeping the floor, making meals, changing diapers, potty training, and dealing with demanding little kids.  I question every decision I have ever made as a parent, look around and realize that almost everything I own has been broken, written on, stained, chipped, cracked or otherwise tarnished with kids.  Its when I work all day cleaning really hard and then turn around and wonder if there is an inkling of domestic progress left in the chaos of children.  I wonder if I made the right decision to even have children....
Yes, I even get that dark sometimes.  I sit and wonder what if I never had children?  Would I be sitting on a beach, would I be going on fancy vacations, staying out late, sleeping in, and marveling at how wonderfully clean my house is?  I dream about this as I scrub toilets, clean up the 100th spill of the day, yell at my kids to help me for the 5000th time, and trip over toys that are scattered in an obstacle course throughout my house. A lot of times, I break down and cry and scream that I can't do it, I can't do another second of unloading and reloading the dishwasher, cooking another meal that nobody will like, washing a load of laundry because someone is out of shorts/socks/underwear, and wiping a tiny butt, again.  I, obviously, never want my children to see me like this, but usually they are around when it happens.  I worry about how I am affecting them permanently to let them see me break down and cry and lose my last remaining piece of composure. This, this is the dark side of parenting that you will never find in a book, magazine or forum.  Nobody wants to admit this happens to them, but I believe it happens to us all.  And maybe, if our kids see it, they will realize how hard this parenting gig really is.

If I could keep you little

Just a few days ago, I read the board book If I Could Keep You Little to my girls.  For those of you who haven't read it, its a heartwarming book about the things that parents do for their children when they are small, but also shows how parents enjoy the milestones when their children do these things on their own...with their own flair.  While I pine for the days when my kids are a little more independent and not requiring me to feed, bathe and change their diapers, it also makes me a little sad that one day, they will be grown up.   While I'm sad at the point of them growing up and not being my babies anymore, I grieve a little that I know what awaits them.

I know that little kids are going to make them feel like they are "boyfriend/girlfriend" with a boy, just because they play with him.  I know that someday, their bodies will grow and change in ways that, even though they have been educated, feel completely foreign to them.  I know that someday, some girl or boy will poke fun at them for being too skinny, not skinny enough, too curly of hair, too long of eyelashes, or some other way they depart from what's fashionable that year.  I know that someday, some boy is going to come along, sweep them off their feet, then break their heart.  I know that someday, some conniving girl or boy will try to destroy their reputation, all out of jealousy sake.  I know that the in crowd will someday exclude them and its like no other piercing pain they have felt.  I know that someday they will be bypassed for some award that they truly deserve, just because they aren't popular enough.   I know that one day, a boy will try to pressure them into doing things they are just not ready for.  Even though I know all these things, I just have to sit on the sidelines of their lives and let them play out.  I am really only a coach in their life, someone to guide them through these scenarios, listen to their issues, and let them make their own decisions ultimately.  

If I could keep you little, girls, there are thousands of things that I would protect you from.  A thousand times of feeling inadequate, like you don't fit in, aren't good enough, or just because you are different from every other girl.  But, while I would love to shield you from all these times, I know that coming through these moments, you will feel braver, stronger and wiser.  If there are a thousand times of feeling sad, there will be a million moments of happiness.  You will fall in love with someone who was worth all the broken hearts, you will learn more than I could ever imagine, you will maybe someday hold your baby and realize complete love.
As the book reads: if I could keep you little, I'd keep you close to me.  But then I'd miss you growing into who you're meant to be!  

In the Moment

Ah, the holiday season!  Concerts, programs, parties, pageants.   This season is so busy for us parents.  I feel like we just run from one performance to the next, and my girls aren't in a lot of activities!  One thing I have noticed lately, in all my audience time, is how much we photograph and videotape every single minute of stage time.  Okay, okay, I know that a lot of moms aren't like me and make sure their battery in their camera is charged before leaving the house (ahem) or that they packed their fancy photo taking phone in their purse (mine is worthless as a camera).  But as I watch so many of these parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles document their small, loved ones, I wonder:  how many of those hours of videotape will actually be watched?  How many photos will actually make it to the printer?  

I am a sentimental type, don't get me wrong, but I wonder:  did the adult really even see the full performance on the screen of their camera or cell phone?  When did we get so obsessed in "capturing the moment" that we missed the moment all together?  

Well, since I can't take pictures on my camera with a dead battery or on my horrible cell phone (which I would have to pry from my toddler who is watching a dancing blob of toothpaste), I have learned to just enjoy the moment.  To actually watch all the children performing, instead of being so zoomed in on my child that I miss the little boy picking his nose, the way the children light up when interacting with the teacher who prepared the performance, or the shy girl who finally started doing the motions with the rest of the group.  These are the moments we are truly missing.  This is why we come to these events and spend countless hours doing hair, finding dresses and practicing lines and songs.  These are the memories that our children will have while reminiscing about their elementary concert or Christmas program, not the hour long performance seen on video playback.

As we go into the final days of Christmas, I realize that I want to enjoy the full picture of what's happening in front of me.  I don't want to see the day through a viewfinder, but rather, snap a few pictures of the highlights to tuck away, and then enjoy the big picture.  

The Best of Me

A few weeks ago, I wrote an apology letter to my third.  But, in a way, my third baby has had the best version of me of all my girls.  When my first was little, I was so concerned with making sure I kept up with the housework, dishes, cooking and making sure my life didn't change from before babies.  With my second, I felt like I was completely drowning in things to do.  Here I had two small children to feed, bathe, nourish, and worry about.  But, with #3, something has changed.  I have thrown out all of my parenting books and just basically taken it one day at a time with her.  I don't sweat the small stuff anymore because I know that every phase will pass (and, hopefully, she will someday sleep through the night in her own bed).  I am a more confident mom with her.  While I don't always love the way I look, I have let go enough to go out and do anything I want and not worry about what others are saying about me.  E has gotten to experience so many more things because mommy isn't concerned with how I look in jeans and if I have make up on.  I don't read through cookbooks trying to make sure that every meal is well rounded with fruit, veggies, protein and carbs.  Because, guess what--it all rounds out in the end.  Sometimes with E, right in the middle of my daily chores, I stop washing the dishes and just take a moment to sing and dance with her and enjoy the moment.  I sit in the chair and cuddle and read to her as many books as she will bring, because I know that will only be little for awhile.  It has taken me 2 babies to realize how fast the time truly goes.  I don't freak out about the temper tantrum that she throws, because I remember that the other two did the same and eventually just grew out of it.  E has learned how to be a lot more patient and forgiving of her mother than the other 2.  She learned early that a lot of the time she had to wait for whatever she wanted, and that her mom makes mistakes--A LOT!  I was so ready to get to the next stage with L (#1) that I realize now how much I missed of the stage she was in.  With N (#2), I had a huge life change to go along with her birth (an out of state move with new jobs for my husband and I), so I feel like a lot of my overwhelmed feeling was just an adjustment phase.  With E (#3), I have learned to do a thousand things one handed while holding onto a baby in the other.  Because, some day I will put her down and she won't want me to pick her up again.  I have grown in so many ways as a mother since my first was born.  While I may not have time to keep up with E's baby book or to take a million pictures or video tape every milestone she makes, I have learned to just stop and enjoy the moment, because she is only small once.  Thank goodness I have changed!

Christmas overindulgence

Well, here it is, December.  I love Christmas lights, Christmas music, Christmas food, pretty much everything Christmas...except one thing:  Christmas presents.  WHAT?  Yep, you heard me, Christmas presents.  It's so overwhelming to me that everyday I pick up toys that were barely played with, just to be thrown about, scattered around the bedrooms, living room and hallway.  And yet, with December 25th looming, I know that my 3 kids are about ready to get another big delivery of toys.  My house is so full of toys: my basement is full of toys, my kids bedrooms are full of toys, I even have toys in the bathroom!!!  However, I find myself searching through the internet just to find more toys, so that I have something to give them on Christmas day.  Does anybody else feel this way?  I feel like I need to get rid of most of their toys just to make room for new toys.  
This year I want to to scream from the rooftop, "Nobody should be buying my kids anything this Christmas!!!!"  Goodness, they can't even keep the toys from the past 6 years Christmases cleaned up!  Yet, if I take Christmas presents away from them, are they going to feel shorted? Just because overindulgence has become the norm?  How sad is it that this is a question that I even have to ask? 
I completely get the foundation of Christmas: God sent his son, Jesus, as a gift to the people.  The wise men gave gifts of offering for the newborn king.   So, I definitely see where gift giving originated.  What we have gotten away from is that gift giving is about showing our love to another person.  Instead, we continue to buy worthless junk for each other just so that we can "give" something.  
I would love to show my children the reality:  some people don't have ONE present at Christmas, some people don't have enough food at Christmas, some people are cold on Christmas, some people don't have clean water on Christmas, and some people live in fear on Christmas and everyday of the year. 
I would love to skip Christmas and just have another Thanksgiving.  I love being together and eating!  I hate the consumerism of Christmas.  While I don't think that skipping Christmas is ever possible, I am searching for ways to slim down and show my children what Christmas really means.  It's not about presents under the tree, a man in a red suit, snowmen and reindeer.  I want them to know that Christmas is giving of your time, your energy, your attention, your love.  
So, while I, and many of you, countdown to Christmas, I hope that we are showing our kids what Christmas is really about.

Drowning

Ugh...I'm drowning.  Tonight, I sat down to make myself a to-do list for my day off tomorrow.  It started as any other list, "laundry, dishes, vacuum, wipe down bathrooms, etc."  Then, I had this overwhelming feeling like it may be faster and easier to just write down the things I don't need to do tomorrow.  Holy cow!  My living room is a disaster, my kitchen is a disaster, my kids have a path to their beds, I need to do mountains of laundry, the girls have single handedly destroyed their bathroom, the Christmas tree needs to be put up, the fall decorations need to be taken down, on and on and on.  So far the only thing I don't have to do tomorrow is unpack from our trip.  How did I get so far behind?  And why do I always feel like this?

Is it completely normal to feel like you are drowning in house work?  I can't remember the last time I mopped my floor, vacuumed, or dusted.  I'm afraid that my dust bunnies are planning an attack any moment.  I have a few things I always try to keep up on: dishes and cleaning up the living room floor.  Because, let's face it, getting up to make breakfast and finding a huge mess totally ruins the day, and who wants to trip on something in the middle of the night when on their way to rock the baby back to sleep in the living room?  

Is this the way motherhood is going to be until they graduate?  Why do I see all these other homes on Facebook and pinterest and everything appears to be picked up and clean?  How do those moms do it?  When, between cooking dinner, doing homework, rocking babies, working out, and running kids everywhere to they find the time to keep their head above water on housework?  

Here reads my future obituary:

She was chased by dust bunnies, tried to run away, slipped on a toy, fell on the dirty floor, then drowned by her to-do list.  Ugh!  

Lost

Does any other mom (or any 30+ woman) for that matter, feel completely lost these days?  I'm not sure what happened to me?  One day I was a a young, fashionable woman who could shop anywhere and now I'm not even sure what section of the store I should be in?  Juniors...no.  Women's...no.  Where is the mid life area of the friggin store?  I am not 19 anymore and I don't want to look like it, but I don't want to wear something that my mom may be wearing, too.  (Sorry Mom!)  And when the heck are low rise jeans going to die already?  Oh my goodness!!!  Have we not seen enough crack lately to just end it?
And what radio station am I supposed to listen to?  I tried listening to top 40 the other day. It was great, I was singing along, until I realized my preschooler was also singing along.  Believe me, the lyrics are so much more disgusting coming from a 4 year old's mouth than from those singers.  I tried listening to country, but I either hear my parents country that I remember from the backseat when I was growing up, or some kind of country/rap that is worse than fingernails on chalkboard.
So, I guess, where do I fit in?  I have lost myself.  And I'm not sure where to look?  Where do you get clothes that don't cling to your fat rolls, or pants that don't show your moon to everyone?  But, I don't want "Mom" jeans where my butt looks completely flat, either. What radio station do I listen to?
Even more infuriating is the fact that my husband seems to be completely unscathed from aging (and parenting, for that matter).  Sure, he's got a little big bigger belly and a few more gray hairs, but he doesn't walk around in low rise jeans, hiking them up right before sitting/kneeling/leaning over/etc.  He can still listen to the same music he enjoyed in high school and college (although it sounds like my ear drums may be crying listening to it).  His clothes are the same, yes, a bit bigger than the day we married, but a T-shirt, jeans/shorts and tennis shoes are completely acceptable in 95% of his daily dealings.  He doesn't stand in the middle of the men's section wondering which subsection of clothes to try on from.  He just picks his clothes out, rarely tries them on (Why are they all sized the same and I have to try on 4 different sizes per brand to find my perfect fit?) and goes home, probably to drink a beer.  He doesn't question the larger part of his life in the buying of his clothes like I do.
Maybe we are part of the lost generation.  We are the forgotten women who are too old for Forever 21, but too young for the women's section.  Too old to be young, but too young to be old.  I wonder if all 30 something women feel as lost as I do in this world.  Where do we fit in?